Busy!

Geesh....times fun when you're having flies.

OK yesterday Chelsea went to the Dr. to her shot and then I took her to school. I picked her up early and took her to the dentist. All is well. 1 cavity that I apparently forgot to get filled on her last set of treaments.

I was able to get Jake's Dr. to call in a prescription for his eczema so I didn't have to make the drive to Scottsdale. She had already seen it and so she had noted it in his chart. If this med doesn't work though, I have to take him in. It doesn't look like its working so far. His legs are not as red but they are still as bumpy as ever. Poor little man!

Mom got Josh a Potty Watch that goes off every 30, 1 hour or 2 hours. You can do the settings as potty training goes on. So of course, I have it on 30 minutes. Ugh. Am I getting my exercise! I figure with one more to potty train I should have a great buttocks come next Christmas from all the getting up I am doing.
So far Josh loves the Potty Watch. I am liking it too because it is reminding me.
I put big boy pants on him today to see if that would encourage him to stay dry. It didn't. But it was worth a shot.

Had a HOA meeting Tuesday. It went well. VIce Mayor May was there again. So I sat with her. I am looking to get into something again. Well, one more surgery and I think I might like to sit on a committee. I asked her what was open and she said everything. So .....I will look into what interests me and start getting into the Town politics. Though I do love supporting my neighborhood, I love Buckeye so much and I want to help it along. What a great town we live in! Love it here!

My wonderful neighbor Rae made more food for us. I'm tellin' ya, she is so totally awesome. She made the burritos I never got to try because my Mom loved them so much. She also made quiche and I love quiche. I haven't had any yet because I was going to have it today but Chelsea forogt her PE clothes. So I had to load the kids in the car and go into town. Well, though I live in a small town, they are doing major reconstruction and you can't take left here or a right there and it is all so complicated. So it took a lot longer than expected. I ended up going through Sonic and getting the boys and I something to eat. But I will have the quiche tomorrow.
She is such an angel.

Oh, did I mention that she was a foster mom? She and her husband decided to take in teen girls because they were the least desired children to take in. Thats the kind of saint she is. Right now she has two girls. One has made a connection with an Aunt and will likely go and live there and the other is getting ready to age out of the system. But she and her husband have fallen in love with this little 9 year old and they will foster her and then adopt. So cool!
She also started a food bank here. She is doing it via her church and out of her garage. She gets all this free food from the local stores and gives it to the needy. She said whenever I need something, to let her know. It's nice that I actually may not need to leave the house if I ever need eggs or something.

OK so onward. Speaking of friends. Cynthia called me. Bless her heart. She offered to sit with the kids Sat. afternoon so I could get housework done or go out with Charlie. She is too kind to me! I am just so thankful she has been there for us. How can I ever thank her enough for being there while I wallowed in self pity and goobers. Even when I needed that emergency blood transfusion and she was in the midst of moving, she took the boys. She really is incredible. And it makes me think that I just do not have enough trust in people anymore. I mean I put up this huge wall because I have found that somehow or another people tend to let me down eventually. Like the friends I spoke of earlier. I mean years and years of knowing people and *poof* gone once I got cancer. But then you meet people like my Bern, Rae, Cynthia, my neighbor Zoila, and you doubt yourself and your ability to not read people like you thought you could. I have met the most amazing people in AZ. (& Bern in CA).
Just when I think I have it all figured out darn it. Then life sends me a curveball. Whats up with that?

So get this. There is this foundation called Cancer Cares. They help with all kinds of stuff related to cancer. So I called them today for financial assitance because my bills are starting to come in. So this is what she says to me "I am sorry, if you are done with treatment, we cannot help you". I said "But the hospital didn't ask me for money up front, they billed my insurance and then billed me for the remaining" So like a broken record she says "I understand your frustration but we cannot help you unless you are currently having chemo" So I repeated again "They didn't ask me for money on the spot for every treatment, they are billing me now because the insurance isn't covering some of the procedures" So then she says the exact same thing. I said "OK thanks" and hung up.
Does anyone understand that?

OOOOH, Heroes is back and as good as ever. Survivor started tonight. Amazing Race is coming. HOLY COW! Ghost Hunters was on last night. I am SO excited!

Good weekend

It was not a bad weekend overall.
Saturday we went to New Dawn which is an animal sanctuary. They really should call it an Andi sanctuary. Had it been cooler, they would have had to pry me away. Anyway, what an amazing place! They had emus, pigs, donkeys, horses, chockens, a turkey, a rabbit, and I was in love. It is exactly the place I feel that has been missing for me.
I called before I went because I wanted to know if they were interested in having our large crate that we trained Babar in and some of Kiwi's stuff too. It was not easy to get rid of Kiwi's stuff but it made it easier to give it to the rescue that I fell in love with. I think she would be very happy that her stuff went to a sanctuary for animals. She was afterall abandonded herself. And that is how I found her. When Charlie and I were dating, we were going into his house and I looked up and this gorgeous cat took my breath away. I literally gasped and said "oh my gosh Charlie look at that cat". I went up to her and she head butted my leg and I was toast.
I asked around the apartment complex whose cat she was. No one knew at first but I did entually find someone that thought she belonged to this guy that lived in the apartment where I saw her. So I went up to the apartment to ask if I could have her. She was very thin so it was clear she was not being cared for,. He hymned and hawed and I told him I was moving into a house in 30 days and I would be back to see if I could have her. I mean, honestly, I would have taken her no matter what because she was so thin.
For 30 days I put food out for her and 30 days later to the day, I went back and he said I could have her. He said she was 8 years old and some old guy used to own her. That is all he told me about her. Oh and her name but I can't remember her name. I named her Kiwi.
So I asked around the apartment complex about her to see if I could find out anything and people said that the guy had moved in with a girl who had 3 cats and Kiwi hated other cats, so they kicked her out of the house to fend for herself.
It broke my heart. The day after I got her, I took her to the Vet because she was so thin I thought she had worms. The Vet said that she was fine, just thin and declawed in the front! WOW! How mean is that? She couldn't even catch her own food because she had no claws. And that is how our life with Kiwi began. And I am incredibly sad it is over. I miss her so much and I still say hello to her when I walk into our closet. She liked to sleep there because it was quiet and dark. She slept on one of my shirts and I just do not have the heart to move it. I am not sure I ever will. It was where Charlie picked her up from the day she was put down. It was her place. It still is.

So I am not sure how often I will get out there to New Dawn, probably not enough, but at least I know it is there and when I am feeling crappy, I have a place to go that is like heaven for me.

Today we pretty much hung out around the house. We did go out to IHop for an early dinner. Both boys were horrendous and we could not wait to leave. Not even worh going out anymore with the two heathens.

We did meet someone who will likely be our babysitter when Charlie and I finally decide to go out. She answered my ad on Craigslist. She is a grandmother and she has adopted her one granddaughter. She was very pleasant and she lives right down the street. So I am very excited that Charlie and I might actually get to go somewhere together very soon. I am thinking not next weekend but maybe the next one? That way I will not have any drains and I can enjoy myself.

I just spent a long while outside meeting my neighbor Rae's new puppy. Oh my gosh! SO CUTE! It is a Bloodhound puppy. The cutest, sweetest, puppy. I am in love. I just wanted to get on the ground with her and let her sit in my lap. But once I go down lately, I never get back up without looking like a horses ass. So I just petted her from above. She is adorable!
I just love Rae. She is so nice! And she is the best cook. She keeps bringing over fresh homemade things. Like sourdough bread (my favorite bread ever), and cottage rolls, and banana bread, and she never messes anything up. She is an amazing cook and I am intensely envious. I am excited because she is coming to the HOA meeting and I will get to see her and her husband Dale again. It is so incredibly wonderful to have conversation with people. I am so lonely most of the time.
My other neighbor Zoila called today which was very sweet considering she has probably had about 3 hours of sleep in the last month since her baby was born. She asked how I was doing and all I really wanted to know was how she was doing! I have so been in her shoes and the feelings of being overtired and overworked are still very raw with me. So I just wanted to see that she was holding up. She sounded tired but really good considering how exhausted she must be. And I can bet she is still being SuperMom and SuperWife too despite no sleep! She is my inspiration to do better and be better at mothering and wiving (is that even a word?).

Talked to my Mom today. She is well. Nothing new going on with her. So that is always a good thing.
Talked to Charlies Mom yesterday. She is also well, also good!

I feel like I have tons to say but Charlie just went upstairs so I should go too.
Ugh Sundays are so hard.
Hugs to all!

Monday once again

So Monday is here. What can I say? It was another exciting weekend of running errands. Whats new. On Saturday though I got to play Madden against Charlie. I would normally be happy that I won but I have to wonder if maybe he let me win. He is too sweet and I would not put it past him.
Now let me explain the whole gaming thing from my perspective. I grew up right when games started. Pong, Pac-Man, all of that. So what we had was a simplistic one control maybe one button system. But now, you have 2 bumpers, 2 trigger buttons, 2 joysticky things, a controller button, etc. So I find this all so complex and unnecessary. What was wrong with the one controller one button system? OK so I had to learn all of that. Certainly part of my learning curve, no question.
I think I got it worked out for the most part though and I was able to move my guy around mid-3rd quarter. I am somewhat tempted to play again I think just to try to get the controller issue under control. I'll get it someday!

Right now the boys are "playing". Josh closed my office door which makes me suspicious of the goings on outside my door. They are also very quiet, also very suspect. It is almost better to hear them than not to hear them.

So, Walk for the Cure is coming up. I feel compelled to go. I have no desire to walk. I can barely make it up the stairs these days. But I feel I should go. If not for my children, then for my mother, my grandmother and all the people who have supported me during this horrible time in my life. So I have pledged to go but that may change depending on my situation with my next surgery. I am anxious to get in and get it done. The hernia is bothering me and so is the right breast. I just want to be "normal" again. Whatever that means.

Kristy from the Phoenix Mom's board is walking. I want to sponsor her. If you can sponsor her as well:
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=275924&lis=1&kntae275924=3215D00D60E54BDA86DFCBAA045ED56E&supId=229420238

Most of you know that I have the most wonderful Great Dane ever. No, I am not bragging, I do. He is so cute and I just love him. He is also on the larger side. Well, all Great Danes are big but Babar is just a wee larger. So when we take him out there are always a standard set of questions. And we try to be as cordial as possible but it is hard sometimes when we are in a hurry or the kids are acting up and we are trying to get everyone back to the car or whatever. So bless my sisters heart, she sent the funniest T-Shirt to me this morning: http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/great-dane-walking-answers-dark-tshirt/113079071 That about wraps up every question we get.



So I just put the boys down for a nap. Jake was not happy but he hasn't been happy the last few days. I can only assume he is teething again. He has been drooling and biting on anything that will stand still. Last night I gave him Motrin. This morning I gave him Tylenol. Josh never cries when I put him down. Well I was sitting downstairs and I thought I heard him crying. It was a serious cry to. So I ran upstairs and he had dropped his blankie out of the crib. I thought his leg was caught in his crib or something. He was crying bloody murder. He just loves this blue blanket so much! It was given to us as a baby gift by a dear friend Robert and Josh just attached himself to it. I make sure it goes with him when he goes to Cynthias house and comes home. Thankfully he is pretty easygoing and I have forgotten it a few times and he was ok with it. But I know he would prefer to have it with him when he sleeps. Bless his heart.

So I am trying really hard to get over the fact that I will never have children again. I know it may sound silly but when the option is taken away, it is a much stranger feeling than making the choice not to. Yes, my tubes were tied but I knew that IVF worked for me so though my choice was sort of taken away, it was not complete. Now it will be complete. I have been foolishly trolling the pregnancy sites. It is not helping the situation. I feel jealous and cheated. I hate my age, I hate my cancer. It will be something I vow to work on. I did much better with the diagnosis of cancer but this hysterectomy stuff, not so much. I never picked up my prescription to put me into menopause this weekend. Frankly, it was not a conscious desicion, I just didn't think about it. I think that is where it belongs too, gone. I am going to call the Dr. today and try to talk my way out of taking the medication. I do not want to be in menopause and the thought of it really upsets me. It is an end to an era I am not ready to let go of yet. My youth, my ability to have more children, my bones and skin. Sorry, I am just not there yet. And yes, I am happy and feel thankful to be alive but I am not ready for this yet. So I need to time to deal and heal. That is where I am with that.

I just heard from Cynthia, my saving grace, and she is still sick. So she cannot watch the boys tomorrow. She also just informed me she is moving to an area that is not on my way to the hospital or clinic.
So back to the drawing board. I can't believe it! I finally found someone I trust and *poof*, gone, just like that. It took me 2 years to find someone I liked and trusted.
Now what?

Today could not pass fast enough for me. I am stressed out way too much! I have a big appointment tomorrow that will likely bring me nothing but pain, anxiety, and frustration. That's nothing new for my appointments anymore. I still have a pretty good sized bruise from last Tuesday when they once again attempted to get blood from me. Since my port isn't working, they had to try somehow. They never could get it and ended up having to use my port and try several times to get in. Same ole same ole. I try to tell them but they never listen to me. Even with an ultrasound machine they can't start and IV. Hence the need for the Power Port. I went in for a special surgery just for this Power Port and now it won't work either. Sigh. I can only wonder what is next.
Charlie has to take the day off work because I am not allowed to drive tomorrow. Leads me to believe I am going to be drugged somehow. I hate drugs and I am not happy about it at all. So I will likely refuse anything they attempt to give me to "relax" me.
I just kind of want to be left alone. I am tired of all the poking and pain. It is almost 5 months now of every kind of pain you can imagine. I would like to move on to something else now.

OH! Went to my first Mom's Night Out Friday. I haven't been out with a friend since gosh, Wildomar I think. I went out with Vilma for coffee probably about 6 months before we left. I have to really think about it though. I am not sure that was the only time. I miss Bern. I miss sitting outside and talking to her. First, I haven't made the same connections here that I did with Bern. Second, it is too hot to sit outside and do anything, even just sit. Third, I don't have the time I used to. The children are so demanding and by the time they go to bed, I am pooped out. I want to go to bed myself and I usually do.
I do miss it though. I loved sitting out with Bern. It was relaxing and fun and I miss her being around. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I hope to make the same connections here that I did there but I will likely not find another Bern. She is a wonderful friend that is a rare find!