Now let me explain the whole gaming thing from my perspective. I grew up right when games started. Pong, Pac-Man, all of that. So what we had was a simplistic one control maybe one button system. But now, you have 2 bumpers, 2 trigger buttons, 2 joysticky things, a controller button, etc. So I find this all so complex and unnecessary. What was wrong with the one controller one button system? OK so I had to learn all of that. Certainly part of my learning curve, no question.
I think I got it worked out for the most part though and I was able to move my guy around mid-3rd quarter. I am somewhat tempted to play again I think just to try to get the controller issue under control. I'll get it someday!
Right now the boys are "playing". Josh closed my office door which makes me suspicious of the goings on outside my door. They are also very quiet, also very suspect. It is almost better to hear them than not to hear them.
So, Walk for the Cure is coming up. I feel compelled to go. I have no desire to walk. I can barely make it up the stairs these days. But I feel I should go. If not for my children, then for my mother, my grandmother and all the people who have supported me during this horrible time in my life. So I have pledged to go but that may change depending on my situation with my next surgery. I am anxious to get in and get it done. The hernia is bothering me and so is the right breast. I just want to be "normal" again. Whatever that means.Kristy from the Phoenix Mom's board is walking. I want to sponsor her. If you can sponsor her as well:
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=275924&lis=1&kntae275924=3215D00D60E54BDA86DFCBAA045ED56E&supId=229420238
Most of you know that I have the most wonderful Great Dane ever. No, I am not bragging, I do. He is so cute and I just love him. He is also on the larger side. Well, all Great Danes are big but Babar is just a wee larger. So when we take him out there are always a standard set of questions. And we try to be as cordial as possible but it is hard sometimes when we are in a hurry or the kids are acting up and we are trying to get everyone back to the car or whatever. So bless my sisters heart, she sent the funniest T-Shirt to me this morning: http://t-shirts.cafepress.com/item/great-dane-walking-answers-dark-tshirt/113079071 That about wraps up every question we get.
So I just put the boys down for a nap. Jake was not happy but he hasn't been happy the last few days. I can only assume he is teething again. He has been drooling and biting on anything that will stand still. Last night I gave him Motrin. This morning I gave him Tylenol. Josh never cries when I put him down. Well I was sitting downstairs and I thought I heard him crying. It was a serious cry to. So I ran upstairs and he had dropped his blankie out of the crib. I thought his leg was caught in his crib or something. He was crying bloody murder. He just loves this blue blanket so much! It was given to us as a baby gift by a dear friend Robert and Josh just attached himself to it. I make sure it goes with him when he goes to Cynthias house and comes home. Thankfully he is pretty easygoing and I have forgotten it a few times and he was ok with it. But I know he would prefer to have it with him when he sleeps. Bless his heart.
So I am trying really hard to get over the fact that I will never have children again. I know it may sound silly but when the option is taken away, it is a much stranger feeling than making the choice not to. Yes, my tubes were tied but I knew that IVF worked for me so though my choice was sort of taken away, it was not complete. Now it will be complete. I have been foolishly trolling the pregnancy sites. It is not helping the situation. I feel jealous and cheated. I hate my age, I hate my cancer. It will be something I vow to work on. I did much better with the diagnosis of cancer but this hysterectomy stuff, not so much. I never picked up my prescription to put me into menopause this weekend. Frankly, it was not a conscious desicion, I just didn't think about it. I think that is where it belongs too, gone. I am going to call the Dr. today and try to talk my way out of taking the medication. I do not want to be in menopause and the thought of it really upsets me. It is an end to an era I am not ready to let go of yet. My youth, my ability to have more children, my bones and skin. Sorry, I am just not there yet. And yes, I am happy and feel thankful to be alive but I am not ready for this yet. So I need to time to deal and heal. That is where I am with that.
I just heard from Cynthia, my saving grace, and she is still sick. So she cannot watch the boys tomorrow. She also just informed me she is moving to an area that is not on my way to the hospital or clinic.
So back to the drawing board. I can't believe it! I finally found someone I trust and *poof*, gone, just like that. It took me 2 years to find someone I liked and trusted.
Now what?
Today could not pass fast enough for me. I am stressed out way too much! I have a big appointment tomorrow that will likely bring me nothing but pain, anxiety, and frustration. That's nothing new for my appointments anymore. I still have a pretty good sized bruise from last Tuesday when they once again attempted to get blood from me. Since my port isn't working, they had to try somehow. They never could get it and ended up having to use my port and try several times to get in. Same ole same ole. I try to tell them but they never listen to me. Even with an ultrasound machine they can't start and IV. Hence the need for the Power Port. I went in for a special surgery just for this Power Port and now it won't work either. Sigh. I can only wonder what is next.
Charlie has to take the day off work because I am not allowed to drive tomorrow. Leads me to believe I am going to be drugged somehow. I hate drugs and I am not happy about it at all. So I will likely refuse anything they attempt to give me to "relax" me.
I just kind of want to be left alone. I am tired of all the poking and pain. It is almost 5 months now of every kind of pain you can imagine. I would like to move on to something else now.
OH! Went to my first Mom's Night Out Friday. I haven't been out with a friend since gosh, Wildomar I think. I went out with Vilma for coffee probably about 6 months before we left. I have to really think about it though. I am not sure that was the only time. I miss Bern. I miss sitting outside and talking to her. First, I haven't made the same connections here that I did with Bern. Second, it is too hot to sit outside and do anything, even just sit. Third, I don't have the time I used to. The children are so demanding and by the time they go to bed, I am pooped out. I want to go to bed myself and I usually do.
I do miss it though. I loved sitting out with Bern. It was relaxing and fun and I miss her being around. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I hope to make the same connections here that I did there but I will likely not find another Bern. She is a wonderful friend that is a rare find!
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